The duality of time passing - when you're thinking about the wait for the referral it goes SOOO Slowly but suddenly you realise nearly 2 months have passed since you last put thoughts to keyboard. Thanks for those of you that complained gently to give me the proverbial kick up the butt.
I'd like to say it was bcause I was incredibly busy with referrals or even extensive holiday travelling but we haven't had a referral and my extensive holidaying comproised 4 days in a tent in Wales! No, the reason I haven't updated in a while was the complete lack of inspiration of finding another way to say No News yet!
HOwever this last week has seen adoption activity levels bounce back up again. One of the reasons referrals are taking longer is the new legislation in Russia promoting domestic adoption (bygiveing people $10,000). OIt seems many Russians have requested a girl under 2 so of course International Adoptions are taking a back seat. Hubby and I have been discussing if there is anyway we can broaden our matching requirements to hopefully "speed things upa bit". At the time of our homestudy we did comsider teh issue of adoptiong siblings but felt Princess Toodles was just too young to cope and she'd feel excluded from bonding with bio Russians. However she is now 7 so th conversation has again turned to the option of siblings.
What we have decided is we would like to adopt either a single girl about 3-4 years old OR a sibling group of 2, either girl (eldest)/boy or 2 girls with the eldest sibling being no more than 4. THis means we have to have a new review of our homestudy and back to panel but we don't get put to the bottom of the list and meanwhile our referral for a little girl still stands. It will also mean more work and more money foretha doption but we're almost past caring about that - just get me my family.
So now we're waiting for contact from the social worker to come back for another chat and I have to say it's nice having something positive to do again.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I found out today that I passed my NVQ Level 2 in Sign Language... It's somthing I've been trying to get for 4 years and finally managed. Only another 2 years and I 'll be a fully certified interpreter. I'm not sure if I knew how long it would take at the start that I would have quite so happily commited myself. Adoption is a bit like that, at first you spend hours pondering the date game which goes something along the lines of...
"Right I'll get my dossier done in 2 weeks, 1 week with lawyer, 1 week for posting, 2 weeks for travel, ohhh maybe 3 months for referal, 1 month for court date then almost home - wow"
You convince yourself that no matter what you read, it'll be different for you and it'll all happen in 4-6 months, lovely. In reality it never happens that quick but you adapt, next time you dream it starts off with "Right, I'll get my dossier done in 2 months...." However if at the start of the process, if someone had said to me you'll be 18months down the line and still just waiting with no end in sight I may have been disheartened, disillusioned or just put off altogether!
So frankly I say raise a glass to optimism and adaptability. Optimism gets us to sign up in the first place and adaptability allows up to keep positive and to wildly celebrate the occasional time when things actually happen quicker than normal, when a bill comes in and it's marginally cheaper than ultimately expected, in short when life throws you a bone.
And at the end of the day, I will have my daughter and I may be a sign language interpreter but until then "I'll get my dossier done in 4 months...."
"Right I'll get my dossier done in 2 weeks, 1 week with lawyer, 1 week for posting, 2 weeks for travel, ohhh maybe 3 months for referal, 1 month for court date then almost home - wow"
You convince yourself that no matter what you read, it'll be different for you and it'll all happen in 4-6 months, lovely. In reality it never happens that quick but you adapt, next time you dream it starts off with "Right, I'll get my dossier done in 2 months...." However if at the start of the process, if someone had said to me you'll be 18months down the line and still just waiting with no end in sight I may have been disheartened, disillusioned or just put off altogether!
So frankly I say raise a glass to optimism and adaptability. Optimism gets us to sign up in the first place and adaptability allows up to keep positive and to wildly celebrate the occasional time when things actually happen quicker than normal, when a bill comes in and it's marginally cheaper than ultimately expected, in short when life throws you a bone.
And at the end of the day, I will have my daughter and I may be a sign language interpreter but until then "I'll get my dossier done in 4 months...."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Tick tock, 2months since we went to Russia and good God is it going slowly! However on one hand that's good because I don't want time to fly by with Princess Toodles but on the other hand, anxiety levels are reaching gigantic levels. Everything stresses me, Russia and UK having diplomatic problems becuase of Litvenchenko, the guy who was poisoned by the Russians. Russia and US over weapons, anything I hear about Russia is usually a bit doom and gloom and I just begin to panic about getting our daughter before everything goes pear shaped.
And people who are well meaning and nice and beginning to annoy me, the converstion usually goes:
"So how's the Adoption going?"
"Oh we're just waiting for the phone call but we have no idea how long that will be."
"Do you think it will be soon?"
"I really don't know, some people get a quick referral, others wait years"
"So do you think you'll have her home by Christmas?"
I know people are well meaning and don't really know what else to say but after the 10th time of this you do get just a touch stressy! Although, what are people supposed to say to come across as interested yet savvy? Polite enquiries about preparations, learning Russian or our general coping-ness with the wait? I'm really don't know but if I you have any suggestions...
And people who are well meaning and nice and beginning to annoy me, the converstion usually goes:
"So how's the Adoption going?"
"Oh we're just waiting for the phone call but we have no idea how long that will be."
"Do you think it will be soon?"
"I really don't know, some people get a quick referral, others wait years"
"So do you think you'll have her home by Christmas?"
I know people are well meaning and don't really know what else to say but after the 10th time of this you do get just a touch stressy! Although, what are people supposed to say to come across as interested yet savvy? Polite enquiries about preparations, learning Russian or our general coping-ness with the wait? I'm really don't know but if I you have any suggestions...
Sunday, July 01, 2007
1st July 2007 - The Hidden Gains on the adoption Journey...
Adoption is a journey - almost everyone you talk to about adoption will say this but there is something very few people tell you about but many people I've spoken to agree. Since starting my journey I have now gained a backside the size of Alaska.
The emotional rollercoaster that comes with adoption takes many twists and turns and you feel the full spectrum of emotions:
Depression = Comfort eating
Frustration = Occupational therapy eating
Confusion = Mindless eating
Celebration = Lets have a meal eating.
OK so I'm pobably hugely generalising but it is amazing how many people I've spoken too that suffer the same problem. One couple who'd sat in Russia for 10 days waiting for papers and clearance warned me there was very little else to do but eat, and thinking about it I can now fully understand.
I got on the scales, it was shocking! At this rate by the time I bring my daughter home, I'm going to have to get a new home with an excessively large front door. So I am now on the official adoption diet. I've put it in the "Keep Debi busy by doing positive things" category and it's not quite as depressing as the normal efforts.
I'm sure there are people out there where the stress of adoption impacts them by losing weight and others who have remarkable control and just stay the same. To you I dedicate my ryvita. For the rest of us mere mortals, we can stop stuffing, celebrate our buxomness or bin the scales (now that is tempting...!)
Adoption is a journey - almost everyone you talk to about adoption will say this but there is something very few people tell you about but many people I've spoken to agree. Since starting my journey I have now gained a backside the size of Alaska.
The emotional rollercoaster that comes with adoption takes many twists and turns and you feel the full spectrum of emotions:
Depression = Comfort eating
Frustration = Occupational therapy eating
Confusion = Mindless eating
Celebration = Lets have a meal eating.
OK so I'm pobably hugely generalising but it is amazing how many people I've spoken too that suffer the same problem. One couple who'd sat in Russia for 10 days waiting for papers and clearance warned me there was very little else to do but eat, and thinking about it I can now fully understand.
I got on the scales, it was shocking! At this rate by the time I bring my daughter home, I'm going to have to get a new home with an excessively large front door. So I am now on the official adoption diet. I've put it in the "Keep Debi busy by doing positive things" category and it's not quite as depressing as the normal efforts.
I'm sure there are people out there where the stress of adoption impacts them by losing weight and others who have remarkable control and just stay the same. To you I dedicate my ryvita. For the rest of us mere mortals, we can stop stuffing, celebrate our buxomness or bin the scales (now that is tempting...!)
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
27th June 2007
Ok I have regrouped after my usual 24 hours of despair and glass is now half full again. Have spend the day emailing everyone I could think of to try and get some solution. Ok so if I'm honest I was hoping someone would say "No don't worry we were just checking and here's your referral!" - NOT going to happen!
Anyway, the Agency were actually really positive, the email they sent was a general email to everyone and the fact we are approved for up to 3 years is actually a benefit for us. I emailed our social services to see what flexibility we had in age and if any change would require a top up homestudy, back to panel and back to the notaries and DfES, something I don't really fancy. As it turns out under some Act in Dec 2005 in the best interests of th child, we are fine to adopt up to 4years old without requiring anything extra from Social Services or the DfES. I don't quite understand how it works but I'm not arguing ;o) As for Russia's flexibility in allowing us to adopt a child above our age range without amending documentation is quite another matter...
The agency thought the letter I knocked together was excellent (was that a general reply?) and sent best wishes for a quick referral. So in the last 24 hours what has been achieved? I've had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me, felt terrible, emailed the Agency somthing they already have, harrassed more people over email than is healthy, spent a fortune on mobile calls to hubby on some ship in the Middle East and now I'm back in exactly the same situation as I was before.
And that, my friends, would be the rollercoaster joy of adoption... Some day I'll look back and smile, today's it's more of a forced grimace but I'm getting there.
Ok I have regrouped after my usual 24 hours of despair and glass is now half full again. Have spend the day emailing everyone I could think of to try and get some solution. Ok so if I'm honest I was hoping someone would say "No don't worry we were just checking and here's your referral!" - NOT going to happen!
Anyway, the Agency were actually really positive, the email they sent was a general email to everyone and the fact we are approved for up to 3 years is actually a benefit for us. I emailed our social services to see what flexibility we had in age and if any change would require a top up homestudy, back to panel and back to the notaries and DfES, something I don't really fancy. As it turns out under some Act in Dec 2005 in the best interests of th child, we are fine to adopt up to 4years old without requiring anything extra from Social Services or the DfES. I don't quite understand how it works but I'm not arguing ;o) As for Russia's flexibility in allowing us to adopt a child above our age range without amending documentation is quite another matter...
The agency thought the letter I knocked together was excellent (was that a general reply?) and sent best wishes for a quick referral. So in the last 24 hours what has been achieved? I've had the proverbial rug pulled out from under me, felt terrible, emailed the Agency somthing they already have, harrassed more people over email than is healthy, spent a fortune on mobile calls to hubby on some ship in the Middle East and now I'm back in exactly the same situation as I was before.
And that, my friends, would be the rollercoaster joy of adoption... Some day I'll look back and smile, today's it's more of a forced grimace but I'm getting there.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Why Is Nothing Ever Easy?????
26th June 2007
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Why is NOTHING ever easy? And adoption tops that list I assure you. As if the waiting in limbo was not bad enough but I have just received an email from my agency saying there has been a sharp increase in domestic adoptions in Russia and I now have to immediately send them a letter clarifying (for the 1000th time) the type of child we're approved to adopt and any flexibility on age, gender and health. I know its great that Russian families are adoping children but from my side this whole process is just horrible.
On the bright side (??) I have had to explain this so many time isn the past I just modified an old statement that I'd done and sent it in.
God. I'm depressed......
Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Why is NOTHING ever easy? And adoption tops that list I assure you. As if the waiting in limbo was not bad enough but I have just received an email from my agency saying there has been a sharp increase in domestic adoptions in Russia and I now have to immediately send them a letter clarifying (for the 1000th time) the type of child we're approved to adopt and any flexibility on age, gender and health. I know its great that Russian families are adoping children but from my side this whole process is just horrible.
On the bright side (??) I have had to explain this so many time isn the past I just modified an old statement that I'd done and sent it in.
God. I'm depressed......
Sunday, June 24, 2007
24th June 2007
I had a very strange moment today - for those that know me this is not an unfrequent occurence! But this was one of those stop you in your tracks moments. It suddenly hit me that if I close my mind to the memories of everything I have already been through, the adoption becomes very unreal. There is nothing at all going on in my day to day life about it other than talking. No communication from the agency, the social workers, lawyers nothing. It's the limbo of waiting. It all feels very dreamlike and I have to remind myself that I could get "the call" at any time....
So I got to thinking: OK, so if this is it, no adoption and this is my life for always - would it really be that bad? The answer is an unequivocal No, it wouldn't be bad. I have the most fabulous little girl already, a loving husband, step sons that are fundamentally good men that aren't out mugging grannies, great extended family, a good career and a 5 year plan that allows me to quit everything and spend my life at the WI and PTA... my idea of bliss... So why am I doing this? Why have I put myself through years of pain, trauma and emotional suicide at times trying to "get" another child? That, is the $6 million question. And the answer is, simply, because I have to. No one's forcing me, except me. There's something missing, I love being a Mum, I adore being a Mum. My family is the most important thing to me ever, but there's a space in it, a seat left empty, it just isn't complete. I want another child to love, hubby and I want a child together to love and Princess Toodles wants to be a big sister (although that may change when the realities of life hit her!!!)
So the journey continues, I try and keep it real because when it happens by God I better be prepared! I dream, I get fixations with shelving and I keep myself busy doing useful things. People say that when you bring your child home you forget all the painful parts of getting her there. I'll raise a glass of wine to that! (where's the corkscrew???)
I had a very strange moment today - for those that know me this is not an unfrequent occurence! But this was one of those stop you in your tracks moments. It suddenly hit me that if I close my mind to the memories of everything I have already been through, the adoption becomes very unreal. There is nothing at all going on in my day to day life about it other than talking. No communication from the agency, the social workers, lawyers nothing. It's the limbo of waiting. It all feels very dreamlike and I have to remind myself that I could get "the call" at any time....
So I got to thinking: OK, so if this is it, no adoption and this is my life for always - would it really be that bad? The answer is an unequivocal No, it wouldn't be bad. I have the most fabulous little girl already, a loving husband, step sons that are fundamentally good men that aren't out mugging grannies, great extended family, a good career and a 5 year plan that allows me to quit everything and spend my life at the WI and PTA... my idea of bliss... So why am I doing this? Why have I put myself through years of pain, trauma and emotional suicide at times trying to "get" another child? That, is the $6 million question. And the answer is, simply, because I have to. No one's forcing me, except me. There's something missing, I love being a Mum, I adore being a Mum. My family is the most important thing to me ever, but there's a space in it, a seat left empty, it just isn't complete. I want another child to love, hubby and I want a child together to love and Princess Toodles wants to be a big sister (although that may change when the realities of life hit her!!!)
So the journey continues, I try and keep it real because when it happens by God I better be prepared! I dream, I get fixations with shelving and I keep myself busy doing useful things. People say that when you bring your child home you forget all the painful parts of getting her there. I'll raise a glass of wine to that! (where's the corkscrew???)
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